WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I've spent some time trying to determine who the hell I am recently. I can easily label myself as mother, wife, daughter, friend, dog lover and avid tv watcher. But is that it? Is that what my dreams have turned into...A long succession of nouns? My husband keeps telling me, asking me, begging me to find one thing that makes me happy and "do it". He is of course, speaking about a career and not indicating that I sit around on the couch all day staring at the wall. Although when dealing with an almost 3 year old little boy, sometimes staring at the wall in silence is a nice form of down time. Its so easy when you're young to  have grandiose dreams...ballerina, movie star, vet, lawyer. Its when you get older and you realize you have to tackle just one that things get more complicated. I'd love to be a ballerina but I have no rhythm. A movie star? Sure, but I cant act. A vet or a lawyer require how much schooling? So, most of us pick something that requires a 4 year degree, graduate and then fall into a job that leads us into something else. The very few brave souls follow their life long dreams and I am always amazed and impressed by their commitment and certainty to that dream. Then there are a few of us, who graduate, get an easy job, and continue down a path that allows for no job advancement and really brings no self satisfaction at all. Not to mention has earned me less and less money as I've gotten older. And I find myself here at 36, not knowing exactly what it is that would make me happy "job-wise". I can say with certainty that it is not something that puts me at a desk 9 hours a day. Not something where I cant be creative or have flexibility.

New Years 2011...apparently didnt want anyone to know I was preggo

New Years eve has always been a night viewed with high expectation. The time spent finding the right way to celebrate, the right people to celebrate with and the right outfit to celebrate in. Once the perfect plan is laid out, there are the countless hours spent, primping, decorating, glittering, bedazzling...so that when the clock strikes midnight we are magically transformed into our new reality. The truth of new years eve in my younger years, more often than not, were hysterically good times, too many libations, false eyelashes that we were unable to remove for 2 or more days and a new years day that started with a headache and ended with a hazy memory of the night before. These days, its the hope that you can spend some precious time gathering with family and friends, celebrating the final night of a year that has probably brought both great days and heartbreaks and ring in a new year that you hope will bring you more good than bad. Or more correctly, a night where you hope you can make it up til 12, but are secretly glad that you didnt, because those little lines around your eyes are constant reminders that you're getting older and need more rest. 

This year, we gathered with friends at their house, before they headed out to a pre paid hotel party, that we had no interest in attending. And even though I'm 35, and even though we werent heading to the hotel party, I still bought myself some sequined mini shorts at forever 21. My husband took one look at me and let me know that "I am no longer 18". I dont care...to me New Years Eve has always been about sequins. On your eyes, on your clothes on your bod...wherever. We bid our friends goodbye at 8:15 and headed to another friends house for exactly 30 minutes. We dragged ourselves home at 9:45 congratulating ourselves on our late night. I spent another hour watching cnn highlights of 2011 before calling it a night, reminding myself that it was already 2012 somewhere!

I recently saw a friends post on facebook that read "may the best days of 2011, be the worst of 2012". I thought to myself "thats exactly right". What we are all secretly hoping, praying, looking for as we toast each other into a new year is that we can leave behind the things that broke us and enter a new year re-energized, positive and hopeful that only good will come our way. Truthfully, life will always bring us both highs and lows...its how we learn to recognize the good things...by crawling through the bad. Its what makes us wiser, more mature and more compassionate. They are the growing pains of life. Last night as I stood outside with my dog in my pajamas at 10:15, a young, inebriated man stumbled past me, took one look at me and snickered to himself. And as much as I am grateful to not be hungover today, am content to be in pjs at 10:15 while my child sleeps peacefully upstairs, am wise enough to know that those days are more or less behind me...I couldn't help envy that kid. Envy and wish he knew that the middle-aged woman in pink pajamas can still rock sequin hot pants :)

I miss co-dependant parenting

Now that we are back in Chicago, I assumed that co-dependant parenting would pick right back up with my mid-west girls. I moved in, established my presence and sat back and waited for the calls, texts and emails to come pouring in. You know the ones that read "my kids are driving me crazy...anyone want to meet at the park?" But so far, this isn' t the deal.  Sure I've gotten an email or two suggesting a playdate or a girls night out, but nothing that would suggest that my mom friends are bored or stir crazy.  I've also overheard them saying things like "I took the kids to the museum or children's center." ALONE. Could it be that these women are completely content in their individual family units? That when their hubby goes to work, they are  happy to spend the entire week on their own with the kids? Back home, it wasn't unusual to hear from more that one friend each day of the week. Often, we would group together, just in case one parent had to leave early.  You may have read an earlier post of mine, where I told of our daily spring break plan. A desperate plan formed by 2 mothers who feared a week alone with all of their children. I assumed the entire world felt this way. I thought we all feverishly sought out other stay at home moms, with whom we could spend every moment. Now, I'm second guessing myself. I know LA is kind of a weird bubble, but bubble or not...moms are moms across the board right? Isn't that what all the parenting blogs tell us? So it can't be that outrageous to think I would find other co-dependant moms in another large city. But, here I sit with no foreseeable plans to wrap up my week. I may have to start my own meetup group if this continues. I think Co-dependant moms has a nice ring to it.

School TIme

My son has been on a school break for 6 weeks. Not intentionally, of course. I meant to have him in school in California until the bitter end, but as fate and school calendars would have it, this was not the case. So after a 6 week break that included a move, a trip to lego land, a brief stay at my moms, and a whirlwind 3 weeks of exploring his new city...he finally went back today. I should have enrolled him earlier, for both our sakes. My almost 4 year old son, is a whirlwind of activity THAT NEVER STOPS TALKING. Don't get me wrong...I love my child immensely, but a person can only listen to so much chatter and invent so many fun activities before they go crazy. NOTHING else got done while he was home. 3 weeks after moving into the house, boxes were still unpacked, appointments needed to be made, large shopping trips needed to be taken. So of course yesterday, the day before school, my husband and I were extremely hung over and it was undoubtedly the LONGEST day of our lives. The exact reason why my husband and I NEVER go out...we just can't hang. When we were 25, long nights were followed by long days of lying in bed napping and watching t.v. Now at 36, long nights out are followed by 2 wake ups by the baby because he spit his paci out, 1 wake up by the 3 year old because he wanted to get into bed with us and 1 final wake up by the baby for a bottle. All this ended with a 5am wake up by the baby and a 6am wake up by the 3 year old. After 4 1/2 hours of broken sleep, we embarked on the day that never ended. It was also about 95 degrees with 100% humidity, so obviously super comfortable. After 14 excruciatingly long hours it was finally time for bed. We pumped our 3 year old full of excitement for the upcoming school day, packed up his school items and sent him off to bed. When the house was quiet and the kids were in bed, my husband and I high fived each other on making it through the day and fell into bed. Thank God for school...it keeps my son entertained and gives me a chance to breathe and actually get a few things done. I know I will look back one day on this time and wish I had more of it. All of us tell ourselves that...to appreciate the time when our kids are young because it goes so fast. I get that. I truly get that, but lets get real. Sometimes the kids make it hard to enjoy!